The Us That Never Was

You make me want to believe in US.

When I say us it’s the fragmented memories replaying over and over in my head, edited scenes that makes me fall for you. Perhaps I was more in love with the image of you than the reality of us. You were what I wanted, you were what I needed. Reality bites. That’s what they say anyway and maybe this is true. Figuratively speaking, you bit me when she came along, you bit me when you said she had a chance, you bit me when I thought I had a chance and the most painful of all was the bite you gave me when you acted like I never loved you.

I’m still here, still waiting for more. I understand that somewhere down the road I have to stop waiting for you that you will never see me as someone who could be more with you. It hurts that I can’t be the one to give you what you want, but would it hurt you to consider that I might be the one you need?

I’m stuck in this dome of illusion. Dreaming of your hands wrapped around me whispering sweet nothing as we constantly lie about our state. It hurts and I don’t think you know that it’s hurting me. I don’t think that you know how you can affect my day. I don’t think you know how important you are and that’s the problem, I don’t think.

There’s no us. There will never be us. And I don’t know how much longer I need to lie to myself to be able to believe it someday. So this is the us that was always just you and me.

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Half of My Heart

 It took me a while to know.

There were moments that I felt trapped in something that had been wrong from the beginning. There’s no pinpointing on how I shifted from a hope that needed certainty to one I come to know as confusion. Wrong choices often lead to regrets and these are burdens to our happiness. You can choose to turn regrets into lessons that change your future. I’m not saying that I regret having liked you. What I mean is that I regretted reserving myself for something I know wouldn’t happen.

I shouldn’t have wasted many years with the wrong person just because it feels safe. I admit I still like you but it’s beginning to feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I am lost for reason why I still feel this way. Is it because you give me something to hold onto?  or simply because I like the way you make me feel.

It had a lot to do with how well I had hidden my unhappiness and it had everything to do with my timing. We met during a time where I still had a lot to figure out. We were both so young. Have I known how crucial every action, every choice, I wouldn’t be this confused. But you see, you made me feel like I am someone’s first choice and that was enough reason for me to stay.

If you could just say something, maybe you won’t be one of my regrets because now, I’m slowly giving up on you.

The Oblivious Heart of Mutual Feelings

She likes him. He likes her back. Everyone sees it but both of them don’t. It was never easy for either of them to give in, both were always waiting for the right time. The only problem was, time wasn’t on their side. Body language was always their form of communication when they lack the exact words they want to express. It was always their way of saying “I miss you” without ever saying it. Obviously love was in the air, they’re just not breathing it, well not consciously.

He’s not always the perfect prince charming for the damsel in distress. Some days he’s Captain Hook messing up things along the way, being a pirate in claimed territories. Other times, he’s little Charlie waiting for his golden ticket. But at the end of the day he’s always the guy to leave a mark. The damsel is the girl who believes in fate. She’s the hopeless romantic who dreams of prince charming to man up. A damsel in distress at heart though denied every chance of being saved. A girl who he thoughtlessly cares for.

This oblivion of mutual feelings is neither fun nor disheartening. You see two individuals travel the course of doubt and expectations which is never good to feel. The thrilling rush of nervousness radiates all around your body and you feel like falling when really it’s just your heart beating fast.

They wait it out, feeling each others’ gestures if they feel the same way. Both afraid of rejection so they choose to just shut their mouth. It’s not a smart move, it’s being scared. They go home and replay the day spent together wondering of what-could-have-been if they pushed pass their limits, knowing what was beyond the line of getting close.

To the Boy who made College Interesting

I have wondered so many times of what could have been different if I just said it. Many times I was tempted to do so, to confess and pour my heart out just to stop myself from the torture. I guess it wasn’t, still, easy. I have learned to like, if not love, you from a safe distance. By safe, being able to pull myself back when things get close. I want it to get close but that’s too much to ask you, even for me.

You make it impossible for me. Impossible to resist every smile, every look you give with those mysterious eyes. What we are right now, I don’t know. Yeah we’re friends and I am happy. What I don’t know is, the constant lingering of affection at the end of every conversation. We’re constantly pulling back from the things that might give us happiness, and I know that if we just try to give in maybe, just maybe, we could stop ourselves from this game that we’ve been playing and give each other the satisfaction of validity.

I’m not saying that you feel the same way or that you should. All I’m saying is that give it a try, give me a chance. I know you held yourself back from the possibilities of falling in love for many years now but don’t you think it’s time you find your way back?