I’m Done Writing About You

For a while I wasn’t sure I could fully be over you. Over the thought of us, over the idea that we could’ve had an epic love story to tell. It took me so long to realize my feelings for you, and it took me four shots to finally tell you how I feel. For the longest time I was secretly hoping that my life, our situation, would end differently. An ending only imaginable on a big screen, but I couldn’t let everything fall to fate, and hope that infatuation alone would keep us afloat.

I woke up from my trance of you this morning and realized that I was okay. And I have been for a while now. You will always be significant, and I can be nostalgic about you and the memories we created while my life simultaneously carries on without you. And even when it’s over, I get that sad tingling feeling in my chest that we will never be the same again. It was hard to accept the fact that you didn’t want the things I thought you’d want, but I guess some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go.

I was really sad about it for a while. The kind of sad when you know deep down there’s nothing you can do even though you wish you could. That’s when your heart breaks, you gotta fight to make sure the pain goes away. And the pain you feel? That’s there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that “something” is worth fighting for, because maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.

So this is me, apologizing to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go. I was sad, bitter, angry and I could see now that it was pathetic of me to act that way. But then I needed to feel sad, bitter and angry. I needed it to stop prolonging this spark of hope left inside me. I needed to feel it to give myself a chance at something better. 

The Things I learned When I Fell In Love With You

1. First, is that you’re easy to fall in love with. Whether it may be your sense of humor or the way you do things with grace. It may have to do something about your good looks, but that’s only a bonus point. It’s easy to fall in love with you because you make it so easy for me to get to know you.

2. Second, is that you’re not afraid. Remember that first time, where you stood in front of the class and performed? or that time where you played that guitar and sang? It may not be as grand as bungee jumping or as nerve wracking when you watch a horror film, my point is that you know you can do something and you do it with enough confidence.

3. Your stubbornness  to use punctuation marks. You don’t use them, even in long sentences. And jeez do I have to figure out what you wanted to say.

4. The fourth, is your appetite for smileys and facebook stickers. Though I must admit, it certainly adds emotion to our never ending swirl of topics. You smile, I smile. You’re sad, I’m sad. It’s like seeing your expressions when you send those emoticons.

5. The fifth would be your uncanny personality. You always surprise me  with the things that you know and can do. And every time I learn something new, it makes me feel closer to you.

6. And Sixth, is the way you handled things between us. You understood and that was enough for me to know that you are worth the pain to go through.

The Us That Never Was

You make me want to believe in US.

When I say us it’s the fragmented memories replaying over and over in my head, edited scenes that makes me fall for you. Perhaps I was more in love with the image of you than the reality of us. You were what I wanted, you were what I needed. Reality bites. That’s what they say anyway and maybe this is true. Figuratively speaking, you bit me when she came along, you bit me when you said she had a chance, you bit me when I thought I had a chance and the most painful of all was the bite you gave me when you acted like I never loved you.

I’m still here, still waiting for more. I understand that somewhere down the road I have to stop waiting for you that you will never see me as someone who could be more with you. It hurts that I can’t be the one to give you what you want, but would it hurt you to consider that I might be the one you need?

I’m stuck in this dome of illusion. Dreaming of your hands wrapped around me whispering sweet nothing as we constantly lie about our state. It hurts and I don’t think you know that it’s hurting me. I don’t think that you know how you can affect my day. I don’t think you know how important you are and that’s the problem, I don’t think.

There’s no us. There will never be us. And I don’t know how much longer I need to lie to myself to be able to believe it someday. So this is the us that was always just you and me.

Half of My Heart

 It took me a while to know.

There were moments that I felt trapped in something that had been wrong from the beginning. There’s no pinpointing on how I shifted from a hope that needed certainty to one I come to know as confusion. Wrong choices often lead to regrets and these are burdens to our happiness. You can choose to turn regrets into lessons that change your future. I’m not saying that I regret having liked you. What I mean is that I regretted reserving myself for something I know wouldn’t happen.

I shouldn’t have wasted many years with the wrong person just because it feels safe. I admit I still like you but it’s beginning to feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I am lost for reason why I still feel this way. Is it because you give me something to hold onto?  or simply because I like the way you make me feel.

It had a lot to do with how well I had hidden my unhappiness and it had everything to do with my timing. We met during a time where I still had a lot to figure out. We were both so young. Have I known how crucial every action, every choice, I wouldn’t be this confused. But you see, you made me feel like I am someone’s first choice and that was enough reason for me to stay.

If you could just say something, maybe you won’t be one of my regrets because now, I’m slowly giving up on you.

The Oblivious Heart of Mutual Feelings

She likes him. He likes her back. Everyone sees it but both of them don’t. It was never easy for either of them to give in, both were always waiting for the right time. The only problem was, time wasn’t on their side. Body language was always their form of communication when they lack the exact words they want to express. It was always their way of saying “I miss you” without ever saying it. Obviously love was in the air, they’re just not breathing it, well not consciously.

He’s not always the perfect prince charming for the damsel in distress. Some days he’s Captain Hook messing up things along the way, being a pirate in claimed territories. Other times, he’s little Charlie waiting for his golden ticket. But at the end of the day he’s always the guy to leave a mark. The damsel is the girl who believes in fate. She’s the hopeless romantic who dreams of prince charming to man up. A damsel in distress at heart though denied every chance of being saved. A girl who he thoughtlessly cares for.

This oblivion of mutual feelings is neither fun nor disheartening. You see two individuals travel the course of doubt and expectations which is never good to feel. The thrilling rush of nervousness radiates all around your body and you feel like falling when really it’s just your heart beating fast.

They wait it out, feeling each others’ gestures if they feel the same way. Both afraid of rejection so they choose to just shut their mouth. It’s not a smart move, it’s being scared. They go home and replay the day spent together wondering of what-could-have-been if they pushed pass their limits, knowing what was beyond the line of getting close.